


Not a Game

by HeartOfFullmetal



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Death, Feels Train, I cried writing this, I need to toughen up, I wish it was though, I'm gonna go be a sad fuck now, M/M, Not Beta Read, Ok bye, Sad, Story, and i cry to easy, but Im also a fucking sap, cause its coming in fast, going to help, i like conveying messages through tags, juat deal with it, like screw it, oh well, people find my, the feels train, these tags are probably not, whatever, yeah watch out for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-10-02 00:03:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10203905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartOfFullmetal/pseuds/HeartOfFullmetal
Summary: "No!" I flinched at his harsh tone, "No, I'm not going to sit here and wait for you to sort out your feelings. If you don't love me, just let me go…" He turned back to the bag he was packing and zipped it up. His side of the room was stark bare now. It looked lonely. I looked down, letting my hair hide my face. I didn't know what had gotten into my when I'd said all that.WARNING: MISUSE OF OVER-THE-COUNTER PILLS, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE/SUICIDEWARNING: NOT BETA READ





	1. Chapter 1

I knew Roy had sat on the bed when I felt the mattress dip under his weight.

"I'm sorry," he said hugging me from behind, burying his face into the crook of my neck.

"Whatever," I tried to concentrate on the book I was reading. I'd been ignoring him for a couple of days now, I'd started having unsure thoughts about our relationship.

"But I am," when I didn't respond he continued, "Please, tell me what's wrong... I love you."

"I-I-" I felt so confused, I didn't know how to respond to his words. I felt him tense up when I hesitated.  
"You do love me... Right?" His eyes showed his worry as he waited for my answer.

"I... I don't know anymore," he pulled away from me with a shocked look on his face, "I'm sorry." I whispered and his expression turned angry.

"What the hell Ed?!" He shouted, "Is that why you've been ignoring me?!" He exhaled loudly, "If you don't love me then just say so! I'll go!" He pulled a suitcase from our closet, not our closet anymore, roughly and began packing his things. I want a chance to explain that I didn't know. That I didn't understand.

"Roy... Roy wait," I called and he whirled around to face me.

"No!" I flinched at his harsh tone, "No... I'm not going to sit here and wait for you to sort out your feelings. If you don't love me... Just let me go..." He turned back to the bag he was packing and zipped it up. His side of the room was stark and bare now. It looked lonely. 

I looked down, letting my hair hide my face. I don't know what had gotten into me when I'd said all that. Why did I even say it? I watched him from where I sat on the bed, as he stormed towards the door. He was just about to open it, I shut my book with a slam, dropping it as I dashed to towards him. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, effectively stopping him, and buried my face against his back.

"Don't go," I whispered desperately, "please..." He didn't look down at me when he spoke.

"Why?" His voice was cold and angry, "why should I stay?" I had suddenly realized that, if he left, what would I do? I lived for him. Only him. If he was gone, how could I continue?

"Please," I whispered, "help me."

"Help you? With what? How to not fuck up other people's lives and screw around with their feelings?" he scoffed, "sorry, can't help you with that one." I shook my head.

"No... That's not it..."

"Then what?" I realized that even if I told him he wouldn't care.

"Nothing... Never mind," I told him, it didn't matter, not to him. So why tell him? This was all my fault. I just hugged him tighter, wishing that I would never have to let go.

"Bullshit, just tell me Edward." He demanded his voice was still so ice cold. He hadn't turned around yet. I guessed it wouldn't hurt to tell him, I wasn't his problem anymore so it wouldn't really matter anyway.

"I need- I mean, needed you to help me stay alive." I felt him freeze and I realized I was still holding onto him. Of course he wouldn't want me hanging all over him! He didn't want me anymore. I let go of him and stepped away. 

"S-sorry," I murmured, "you can go," when I had let him go he turned and faced me with a look of horrified shock.

"What do you mean by 'help you stay alive'?" He shouted, ignoring my farewell words. I looked down letting my hair hide my face and my tears.

"Nothing," I said in a low voice, "It doesn't matter," It wouldn't matter to him at least anyway. Then I looked up again, a burst of energy rushing through me. Tears watered in my eyes and fell down my cheeks.

"Roy please!" I said not caring for the fact that he wouldn't listen or do anything for me anymore.

"Just help me!" I fell to me knees. Tears streaming down my face. I quickly tried to wipe them away, trying to not look pathetic and needy in front of him. That was annoying. I didn't want to be annoying. 

Even if he did want to stay, he should leave anyway, he deserved someone so much better than me, and someone, anyone else deserved to be with him more than I ever would. He should stay with that person forever and forget about me. But I wouldn't stay either. 'Maybe I'll do it later tonight,' I thought, 'I still have half a bottle of sleeping pills left. If I take enough-' I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Roy dropping his luggage and walk toward me.

"Dammit Ed," I heard him growl and braced myself for a blow. If he wanted to hit me, he could. I deserved it anyway. He dropped in front of me and pushed me down onto the floor kissing me roughly. Tears streamed down my face. He was teasing me... And it hurt so much. I pulled away from him.

"Please," I begged him, "don't tease me," I covered my face with my hands, "don't tease me..."

He pulled my hands away from my face and I looked up at him. I must've been a mess... So annoying.

"Why would I do that?" He asked seemingly confused but I knew exactly why he would.

"Because, you want revenge! Because I told you I didn't love you! I don't know why I said it, I love you! I swear! I love you! I know you don't want me anymore. I know it's all my fault, please don't show me what I don't have anymore. I know... And I will still love you even if you do show me. I'll still love me even if you never stop showing me what I don't have! I know you don't want me... So go be happy with someone else. Whatever makes you happy. You'll never see me again... I promise... Just don't tell me what I don't have anymore. Don't show me... I already know and it hurts," I yanked my hands from his grasp and covered my face with them again, "just go be happy." When I had promised that he'd never see me again I meant it. eight- no maybe nine pills would do the job. I could die and then he could forget me and be happy. 

He gently pulled my hands away from my face once more and kissed both my cheeks where the tracks of dried tears laid, then my forehead, then my lips. Was this a game to him? Was this fun for him? I sobbed. If it made him happy though, he could use me, show me what I don't have one last time before he threw me away and forgot about me. As long as it made him happy. Whatever made him happy. He pulled back and cupped my face with both hands in an affectionate manner. It hurt me inside but it was also comforting at the same time. I clutched his right hand. I knew it was false affection, it didn't mean anything, but it felt nice all the same. When I couldn't cry anymore I laid under him limply. He kissed me again and I immediately pulled back.

"I said you wouldn't see me again,! It hurts enough! Why do you have to make it hurt so much more?!" I looked up into his eyes, they were beautiful. Whoever became his would love his eyes, " I just want you to be happy," I cried, "Does this make you happy?"

He spoke up after listening, "Ed-" But I interrupted him.

"Would it make you happy if I died?" I asked quietly and his eyes widened and a look of shock passed over his face.

"No! Dammit Ed! Why are you doing this?! I love you! I don't want you to die. None of that will make me happy." He pinned my wrists down gently and kissed me softly, "don't cry anymore," He murmured in my ear, "I hate seeing you cry," I nodded, my eyes wide. I'd let him think that he'd fooled me. He smiled, convinced, and picked me up, carrying me back to our room. He laid me gently onto the bed though kissing me passionately. I kissed back in a more submissive manner. I usually was rough in bed but he liked vanillas... Based on the women he used to talk about. 

He stripped me of my clothes. Hands trailing up and down my body and I could almost cry again, it felt like this all actually meant something. He prepped me quickly and lathered himself with lube. 

It was amazing. Sex with Roy was always amazing... Even if it was fake. 

When we finished and we were laying in bed, me pressed against his chest, he kissed my forehead and smiled.

"I love you," He said. It sounded genuine. It was not. I knew it was not.

"I love you too," I whispered back. I truly meant it... I did. I loved him with all my heart. I still do too. 

That was how he fell asleep that night. When I had been absolutely sure that he was asleep, I crept out of his grasp and to the en suite. Opening the medicine cabinet I pulled out the half empty bottle of sleeping pills.

'Nine pills' I thought, 'That's all I need' I found paper and a pen and scribbled a little note for Roy when he found me then poured myself a glass of water. I counted out nine pills. I took three pills at a time until I had taken all nine. I swallowed those last three pills and set down the glass gently, quietly so as not to wake Roy. I knocked my arm against the bottle and pills scattered over the bathroom floor. 

Had it always been this hot in the bathroom? I sat on the tile floor of the bathroom leaning against the tub. That felt nice, it was cold. My legs were bent up against my chest and I sat there waiting for the 'medicine' to kick in. I clutched the note firmly in my right hand. I was so dizzy. 'It's funny' I thoughts, 'It must be midnight by now... That means it's our anniversary now.' 

I was tired. I didn't think it would hurt if I just closed my eyes for just a little while. I ended up falling asleep only a few minutes after closing my eyes. 

I never did wake up.

I knew I had died but, for some reason, I could still see the bathroom I could still see me- no, my body, sitting on the floor leaning against the tub. My long hair hung on my shoulders. Roy had always liked to play with my hair. He liked it long so I never cut it... Only the ends every once in a while. My hand still clutched the note I'd written for Roy tightly.

Morning came and I heard Roy calling my name.

"Ed? Ed, where are you?" He opened the door to the bathroom and saw my body he smiled fondly, he must've thought I was asleep, "Ed why didn't you ans-" He froze as he noticed the pills and bottle I'd accidentally scattered over the tile. His smile disappeared.

"Ed?" He said quietly, he kneeled in front of me. I could see him shaking. He noticed the note and took it from my hand. Unfolding it, he read my words.

"I promised that you'd never have to see me again,

Be happy.

I love you,

~Edward."

His reaction made me regret my choices and showed me that I had been wrong about his feelings.

"Dammit! Dammit Edward" He screamed at me? No.. At nothing. I was dead, "I told you "I love you"! What else did you want me to do?!" He pulled my body into an tight embrace, stroking my hair gently as he cried. I cried with him. I had hurt him again. It was all my fault again...

News of my death spread around Amestris like wildfire, I had been the Hero of the People, many people knew who I was. Many rumours of why I had committed suicide popped up. Roy and the rest never revealed the true reason, letting everyone think what they wanted to think. I was demoted from Major to Sergeant in death. How you get demoted in death and why someone would do it didn't make sense to me. I deserved it nonetheless. The funeral was quiet and one by one everyone left until it was just Roy standing in front of my grave.

 

In Loving Memory Of:

EDWARD ELRIC

b. 1899 - d. 1920

 

"Stupid child," he had said to my gravestone. It was something he said whenever I did something dumb.

"But I'm your stupid child," I murmured even though I knew he couldn't hear me. I had to. It was what I always said back whenever he called me that.

A tear ran down Roy's cheek and he looked up.

"It's a horrible day for rain," He murmured to himself. He set a bouquet of red roses on top of my grave and turned, pulling his hat down to hide the rest of his tears as he walked away.

I stood by my grave and I cried as he left...

5 YEARS LATER

I've kept on watching over him since my death. Two years after my death, he asked Hawkeye out. I was glad she could make him happy like I never could. Now they're married and have a three month old son they had named Edward. They shouldn't have, really. They didn't know yet, but they have another child on the way. 

That was something I could've never given him. Children. He never visits my grave but I don't mind. It means he has moved on and that makes me happy. On the day that their first son was born I made a quiet promise to watch over Roy and Riza and their children and then their children's children and down the line. It was the least I could do. Since I hadn't been able to make Roy happy. I'd make sure, in my death, that they all stayed happy. I wouldn't fail Roy in this... 

I'd be the Mustang Family's guardian angel.

~Not a Game~


	2. Be Happy

**Be Happy**

  
I crawled up behind Edward on the bed, hugging him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I didn’t even know what I had done wrong though.

“Whatever,” He mumbled flipping through a book that he wasn’t even really reading. He’d been ignoring me for the past couple of days now and I had no clue why.

“But I am,” I claimed. When he didn’t respond I continued, “Tell me what’s wrong… I love you.”

“I-I-” he stuttered and I stiffened.

“You do love me… Right?” I asked him quietly. I waited for an answer expecting the worst.

“I-I don’t know anymore.” He whispered I recoiled from him shocked. He didn’t love me anymore…? Anger pulsed through me as he said it.

“I-I’m sorry,” he whispered but my anger was still grasping at me, along with the pain of rejection that clawed at my heart.

“What the hell Ed?!” I screamed at him, “Is that why you’ve been ignoring me?!” I got off the bed storming angrily towards the closet, pulling out an old suitcase, “if you don’t love me just say so and I’ll go!”

“Roy, Roy wait.” I pivoted on my heels so that I was facing him again

“No!” He flinched when I shout and a pang of guilt ran through me, it didn’t last even a moment before my anger consumed it, my voice was quieter now though, my hirt showing through, “No, I’m not going to sit here and wait for you to sort out your feelings. If you don’t love me, just let me go…” I turned back to my bag and zipped it up.

My side of the room was stark and bare now. It looked lonely. Good.

He watched he from where He sat on our- no, his bed, as I walked to the door. I was almost there when I heard him shut his book with a slam, and the thump of it dropping to the floor as he sprinted to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, effectively stopping me as I was reaching for the door knob, and buried his face against my back.

“Don’t go,” he whispered the desperation is his voice, pissing me off to the point where I just wanted to smack him… I think I almost did. I didn’t look at him when I spoke.

“Why? My voice was cold and angry, “Why should I stay?”

“Please,” He whispered, “help me.”

“Help you? With what? How to not fuck with other people’s lives and screw around with their feelings?” I scoffed at my own words, “Sorry, can’t help you with that one.” He shook his head.

“No… That’s not it…” Now I was kind of curious.

“Then what?” I asked him, my curiousity leaking into my voice.

“N-Nothing… Don’t worry about it.” He told me, that kind of pissed me off, you can’t just start to tell someone something then just stop. He just hugged me tighter instead of continuing.

“Bullshit, just tell me Edward.” I demanded my voice was still cold. Good, I couldn’t show him how hurt I was.

“I need- I mean needed you to help me stay alive.” I froze at his words and he jumped back as if he’d been burned, “S-sorry,” he spoke softly, “You can go.”

When he let me go I spun around and gave him a look of horrified shock.  
  
“What do you mean by ‘help you stay alive?” I said, my horror leaking into  
My voice. He looked down letting his hair hide his face. He always did that when he cried. Because he hated being seen as weak, even in front of me, and his hair felt like a shelter to him. A shield to hide behind.

“Nothing,” he said, his voice still so quiet, “It doesn’t matter,” there he goes again. I was about to respond when he fell to the floor, tears streaming in rivers as he begged;

“Roy please!” He pleaded not caring to hide his tears anymore, “Just help me!” Eventually he quickly tried to wipe them away, trying not to look pathetic in front of me.

I dropped my luggage and rushed toward him.

“Dammit Ed,” I growl, partially furious that my reaolve had broke, but mostly hiding my worry for him with anger. He looked as if he was waiting for a blow from me and my heart squeezed to see how it was tearing him apart. I fell to my knees in front of him and pushed him down onto the floor kissing him passionately, rekindling the flame of love for him that lived inside of me. I felt tears wet his face again, then pulled up when he pulled away.

“Please,” he begged me, “Don’t tease me.”

“Why would I do that?” I asked confused as to why he thought I was teasing him.

“Because, you want revenge for my rejection. I don’t know why I said it, I love you. I know you don’t want me anymore. I know it’s all my fault so don’t feel the need to have to show me what I don’t have anymore. I love you. But I know you don’t want me… So go be happy with someone else. Whatever makes you happy. You’ll never see me again… I promise… Just don’t tell me what I don’t have anymore. I already know and it hurts enough. he yanked my hands from my grasp and covered his face with them, “Just go be happy."

I gently pulled his hands away from his face and kissed both of his cheeks, his forehead then his lips. He sobbed and I pulled back again, how could he not see?

I cupped his face with my hands gently, giving him a love-filled look, how could he not see that I adored him. He clutched my right hand. I smiled, was it getting through to him? When he couldn’t cry anymore, he laid under me quietly, eyes closed, breathing soft. I smiled down gently. I kissed the beautiful creature below me once again and he jerked away. I guessed it wasn’t getting through to him… Shit…

“I said you wouldn’t see me again, It hurts enough! Why do you have to make it hurt so much more?!” He looked up into my eyes, they were beautiful. His eyes were one of the main things I loved about him. Even when his face was stoic, his eyes told every story about him, all his pain, his happiness, desperation, depression. Things that made me happy to see and things that hurt me to know that he’d gone through, “Does hurting me make you happy?” What?! No! Why couldn’t he understand?!

I spoke up trying to get my word in, “Ed-” But only to be interrupted.

“Would it make you happy if I died?” His voice was calm, quiet, as if he were discussing the weather with me. Another round of horrified shock flew through me.

“No! Dammit Ed! Why are you doing this?! I love you! I don’t want you to die. None of that will make me happy.” My anger and hurt took control, all these emotions mixed together had me wanting to smack him and kiss him at the same time. I opted for kissing. I pinned him down by his wrists kissed him. Softly this time, “Don’t cry anymore,” I whispered gently in his ear, “I hate seeing you hurt,” he nodded quietly, and I smiled with relief, and picked him up, carrying him back to our room. I laid him carefully onto the bed even though I kissed him roughly. I wanted to worship him tonight, show him how much I loved him, give him that ring I’ve been keeping in my pocket for so long now. He kissed back and I sighed happily.   
  
I stripped him of his clothes, my hands trailing up and down his body as I gave him the affection he deserved. I kissed evey part of him, I wanted him to know I loved him, every single part of him was dear to me and I wanted him to know… I wanted the whole world to know...

I prepped him quickly and lathered myself with lube. It was amazing. He was amazing. God, I loved him so much… I kissed him and smiled, so happy to have my Edward back.

“I love you,” I said. It was the truest thing I have ever meant. Even today... I loved this beautiful, amazing, idiotic, bratty blonde kid(don’t tell him I said that, he’ll yell at me because he’s 21 now), and I wanted him to know.

The ring, hopefully tomorrow he would know for sure. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him… I hoped he wished to spend his with me as well…

“I love you too,” he whispered back and my face was split with a smile of joy. I loved him with all my heart. That was how we fell asleep that night. Or… I fell asleep…

********  
Morning came and I found my bed cold, I assumed Ed was making breakfast but I didn’t smell food. I tried the bathroom.

“Ed? Ed, where are you?” I opened the door to the en suite and saw him, sitting on the floor of the bathroom, leaning against the tub.

I smiled, amused by his antics, “Ed why didn’t yo-” I froze… Wait a minute… Those pills and bottle… Scattered on the tile around him… The half full glass of water on the countertop…

“Ed?” He called quietly, not wanting to believe what I was thinking, I kneeled in front of him. I was shaking as my belief became more and more likely.

I noticed a note and took it from his hand. It was cold… I unfolded it, and read his words.  
 _‘I promise that you’d never have_

_to see me again,_

  
_Be happy._

_I love you,_

  
_~Edward_

“Dammit! Dammit Edward” I screamed at him, I wanted him to answer so much. He didn't... "I told you I love you! What else did I have to do to make you believe me?!” My lower lip trembled, “I… I was going to ask you…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it… I pulled the ring out of my pocket, and slid it onto his right ring finger. Tears fell from my eyes, I couldn’t see, but I didn’t care.

  
I pulled him against me, wishing this was all just some joke of his, and he was going to wake up and say;

  
“Ha! Gotcha!” But he didn’t… he was cold and still, to still to even be sleeping. He had no heartbeat… This was all my fault...

  
*******

  
News of his suicide spread around Amestris extremely fast. He had been the Hero of the People, many people knew who he was, and many people mourned him.  
Many rumours of why he had committed suicide spread around. Experienced too much trauma, PTSD other things too. While being in the military will do that shit to you, it wasn’t Edward’s case. But me and the rest never gave out the true reason, letting everyone think what they wanted.

His reason was private knowledge to only my team, a select few outside of the team and myself.

He was demoted from Major to Sergeant in death. It’s rare to see a soldier get demoted unless they’re a deserter or somethig… he didn’t deserve it... His funeral was a quiet affair and one by one everyone left till I was the only one

  
standing in front of his grave.

  
“Foolish child,” I said to the smooth marble. It was something I said whenever he did something stupid.

  
“But I’m your stupid child.” I looked around, I swear I heard it… His voice, his tone… His everything. I shook my head, smiling, it must’ve just been my head messing with me. I pulled my hat down low over my face.

A tear ran down my cheek and I looked up.

  
“It’s a horrible day for rain,” I murmured to myself, my voice detached.

I set a bouquet of red roses on top of his grave, he hated roses, but their meaning meant the world. I turned away, not able to bear the sight of his grave anymore and

  
pulled my hat down even further to hide my tears.

I didn’t have long hair I could use to hide them like Ed did…

And I walked away.

  
********  
5 YEARS LATER

  
It took me two years to finally start living again, to get out of my home and not feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when something reminded me of him.

I asked the Riza out, and we dated happily for two and a half years before I proposed.

Two months after the wedding we found out she was pregnant and I was overjoyed.

We married and little Edward was born 7 months later...

He’s just as reckless as the original Edward was, even though he’s only three months, almost four months old… Always getting into stuff he’s not supposed to, and climbing to places that give his mother many near heart attacks.

I never visit his grave, I need to move on. He’d always be in my heart though… There would always be a little piece of me loving him, and holding him dear... On the day my son was born, I swear he was watching us. I swear I felt a presence that only he could ever create… I dismissed it as a trick of the mind though… It was impossible…

I was going to follow his directions….

I was going to be happy…

_**~Be Happy~** _


End file.
